today

the sun was high in the sky. it's light gleaming down on all below. the heat encouraging the crickets to sing their lullaby. the kids riding bikes, screaching with glee. i rest, in the shade, hot, and at peace. listening to the summer sounds. basking in the heat. it is august.

when does it begin to matter?

when?

Sacrifices...

My last post mentioned giving until it hurts. This can be real hard, but usually in the end it is worth all the effort. I am learning this lesson today. Our family had undertaken a huge garden this year. mike is working a more than full time job, plus a part time job on the side. i am not working, yet, but am slightly limited physically. and our kids, are, well, kids. but still this huge garden is looming in the back yard, begging to be tended, weeded, loved... i don't like gardening. i never have. i don't know why exactly. it's just not my thing. also, i have a touch like King Midas, not that everything i touch turns to gold (wouldn't that be nice!) instead, everything i touch dies... continually... i can't manage to grow a cactus... which requires little or no attention... having the garden in the back yard, staring back at me every morning is hard. almost depressing. i want to be good at it, i want the veggies to grow. but i can't seem to muster up enough love to actually want to go out there and deal with it. until last night... mike mentioned deciding to just till the whole garden under, and give up. when these casually spoken words hit my ears i crumbled. all the hard work i had put out there, which never seems enough, really wasn't enough. it hurt so badly inside me thinking about that garden, all the seeds we hand planted, all the watering we did, all the weeds we had pulled, and most of all, all the veggies that are just not quite ready would be a waste. a disappointment. a failure. i have never wanted anything more in my life than to make someone proud of me. (this is the part when i stop thinking about what i am typing, and type strictly from the heart)... in our home we are mostly living, or trying to live, a dream mike has had since childhood... there is nothing in the world i want more than to help his dreams come true. (good thing his dreams include having successful children!) when he mentioned giving up, it made me realize that i was not giving until it hurt. up until now i have weeded, watered, and half loved the garden. only committing when it was convenient. this morning, i had major plans, i was going to get the house all cleaned up for an up coming birthday party. I knew that i only have a few days to get it all done... but i put all that aside, and worked in the garden for nearly three hours. i got the tomatoes all weeded, and man, they look good! (have i mentioned that tomatoes are my absolute least favorite food?!?!) after conquering that tomato section, i feel... wonderful. the sacrifice of time, and energy did hurt a little bit, but the fact that it is now done, and i did it... feels amazing. let me leave you with this... find some way to sacrifice until it hurts... the "wound" will feel amazing... especially when you realize that you don't have any healing to do, because it was all healed when you began to sacrifice... peace.

what can you give?

I was terribly inspired this week when i was able to meet with some teens from across the world. these teens are part of a camp called Seeds of Peace (google them!!) this camp is all about bringing teens from countries that are at war to Maine (of all places!) to learn about being peace-makers! this is a really cool idea, and the kids were really on fire for upon returning home, being able to make a difference! One thing i really took from this meeting, was their desire to fulfil simple needs in their own country. Several of the teens live in refuge camps, and are watching their homes fall apart. it is so moving... yet, these kids want to help each other accomplish their dreams. so with this, comes our ideas. We are not in charge here, and we want to make sure that we are living out God's will. Mike and i have thought a lot about intentional living, community, and living with only basic needs. We feel at this time that we have plenty to shed to become more dependent on God. So, without Mike's knowledge! (he's just so busy this time of year!) i am going to go through the house, and start shedding anything we don't absolutely need. i will of course take into consideration that we have young children, and they ofter times require entertainment, but really, even with the few toys and things we have, we still have too many! *side note (see bottom)* If any of my friends want to help move things out that would be great, also i will be looking for needy homes for things to go to... i wish that anything we get rid of, doesn't become someone else's burden... we want our extra things to go some where that they are actually needed... now, another question comes to mind... is getting rid of the "extra" enough? no, i don't think so... someone once told me that it is not a sacrifice unless it hurts... so let's call this phase one... phase one most likely won't hurt... but let me tell you, i won't stop there... phase two will follow, and it most certainly should hurt... already, just thinking about this makes me feel more free... try it... find something that you don't use (or seldom use) and find someone else who would get better use of it... DON'T sell it... for really, it's not yours to sell... if your brother (or sister) has a need, who are you to not fulfill it?

*we are also trying to think of creative ways to celebrate Christmas this year. Our relatives, main;y those far away) like to send toys and such to the kids, ofter overwhelming them... any creative ideas would be much appreciated!*

Mechanical Errors

When I had my last surgery, in March, I had internal souchers put in. I was told by the Dr. that these souchers would disolve in time... It has been three months, and there is no sign of disolving... I am in severe amount of pain, as I am sure you can imagine. I called, and went to two dr.s in Maine to have them remove these stitches. Both of them, in their own way, told me that they didn't put the stitches there, and they most certainly won't be removing them... which, frankly, I can't blame them... I, however, and still stuck with these souchers in my knee. It is getting to the point where I can barely walk. Today, I will be going to Boston to have the surgeon who put these stitches in, to have him take them out! I am nervous though, these stitches have been in here for a long time, and with that could come infection... and other complications.

So here we go...

new adventures on the horizon!

Well, this sure has been an interesting year... and it is all about to change... big change... life altering change...

Have i peaked your curiosity? Good... wanna know what's going on? well...

I have been offered a new job, a good job. I will be the new director of our local food pantry, Catherine's Cupboard. This is a pantry that my family and I have volunteered at for nearly 2 years. I will be an employee of St. Joe's College, and I will have a DESK!!! (those of you who have desks and want to not... sorry... I have been working on my feet for so many years, I am ready to sit down!) I will work in the Campus Ministries office, with some very cool people! I am really excited.

The second part of our life altering plans... with a new job comes a new schedule, and with a new schedule, comes a lack of "free"time... so, Mike and I have decided to send James to public school... Somewhere inside my head I feel like a sell out. I feel like i am failing him... but in my heart, i know that this choice is the best for our whole family. He will be fine, and he will actually learn to love school again. He is overall ok with this decision. He doesn't like the idea of having deadlines, and time frames, but i think that these concepts are actually really good for him to learn. Owen also will be starting kindergarten this year. He is thrilled!!! He can't wait. I am worried about this transition... only because he is sooo little boy, i am not sure how he will fit in. But over all, i think that he will love the atmosphere of school, and i know he will love his teacher! He loves spending time with other kids, and i think that he will have a lot to offer a classroom setting.

Addie, well, she is still to young for kindergarten, just barely... so we are looking into a preschool for her. though if we don't find one, she is welcome to come to work with me. So all, in all, it is going to be big changes, but i welcome them, and i am excited for what is on the horizon.

Grocery Shopping

This week continues our local-vore diet. We went (drum roll please!) to the grocery store!!! For the first time in my entire life, we only bought food from the outside aisles of the store... well, almost. We did buy all purpose flour, made in Vermont (inside our circle!), and shortening, outside our circle... and tuna. (we have a few cans, and i wanted to be able to use it all up in one meal, and feed everyone!!) Other than that... all local, all fresh!! NO corn syrup, or even artificial flavors!!! No red #44, or blue #7... ahh... sweet food!!! Last night I made a meal using tomatoes and meat and spelt berries!! it was good. tonight, it's spinach, strawberry salad, potato salad, and open faced cheddar cheese melts, on chala bread!!! yum!!! i love also how in our kitchen store bought cans and jars are quickly being replaced by Ball jars! I am proud of our food, and I am proud of our family! So far, no one has shed a tear... though i will tattle tale a little... (*mike bought pepsi last night!*)... phew, i feel better... he is trying to finish a bottle of rum he has... or so he says! (grin)... Let's see what happens next week! (i just realized that he will miss a lot more than i will...!) I have to go boil potatoes for tonight, then it's off to sew a little girl sized kitchen apron!! (which is coming out sooo sweet!)

diggin in

life has been a constant whirl wind for the past, oh, um... 10 years or so... I really want to be able to blog more, so I can look back and remember what we lived through... well, let me start (again) here, and now...

This week has been particularly hectic because I am in a wedding this weekend... and for anyone who has even been in a wedding, you know that the week leading up to it, can be a mess!!! We are "learning" the dance to MJ's Thriller... which in itself is a feat... I am having a blast dancing again... it's been SEVERAL years since I put on my dancing feet!! Also this week we have been trying to get a real handle on the garden. The kids and I have been planting start seeds, and weeding, and Mike, when he gets home from his own farm, is working just as hard getting our food supply in order... This year our kids are all old enough to help... i am going to use the word "help" loosely... They all care about where their food comes from, and they are starting to understand that food sold in the grocery store, isn't always food... This is something we are really trying to instill in them... We are embarking on our local-vore diet this month... and actually were able to jump start that when, while camping, a friend of ours came over to hard wire our generator... in doing this he had to turn off the power to the house, and the generator... when he left, he forgot to turn the power back on... this was Saturday, we got home Monday... needless to say, everything in the fridge and freezer was lost... I guess it's a good place to start buying all local, when you have nothing else lurking in the corners... so... here we go... local food... all local.... 250 miles from our house... what will we miss? Chocolate... and well, that's all i can think of right now... but i am sure as this gets into full swing, I will be able to think of more things I miss, though I am positive that they will not be things that make this adventure not worth it... I am looking forward to the relationship with my food, that buying local instills. My kids are going to be able to look at a map, and say where their food comes from, and in many cases, they are going to be able to be part of the growing process... this is something i am more proud of!

so people, here we go... local!

Adelyn the girl baby!

It was never my intention to have my two youngest so close together. It was a "God thing." I was so overwhelmed at first. But Adelyn was such an easy baby that she truly just melted into our family. She was always a happy baby, watching the world around her. She was at peace to just sit in her chair and listen to the family around her. She has always been Daddy's little girl. She loves spending special time with him, and isn't afraid of some hard work. When she was not even 2 she was helping Daddy take care of the turkeys. (there is a picture of that somewhere around here!) She is really just becoming a little lady. She is bossy, as all little girls are! She loves to make believe. She loves to play babies, and usually has at least three in tow. She loves to help Mommy with the chores, and is so pleased when she can see that her helping really does make a difference. She loves to be around people. She makes everyone smile. Though when there are many strangers around, she is quiet shy, don't be fooled. Under that cloak of shyness lies a little girl dying to have your attention. She loves to be outside, and especially in the wood. She can make a decent fairy house, and loves to imagine them being occupied. She is a good sister, and can ofter be heard saying "I will share with you because I love you." She makes me smile, even when she is not trying to. She is a wonderful daughter. And I am excited to watch her blossom into a big girl!

Owen, the middlest!

Owen was born when James was just about to turn 4. I love the age difference. It made James aware of Owen. Owen has always been a tough kid. He cried a lot as a baby, and even now, as a nearly 5 year old (wow) he is sometimes hard to console. All this aside... he is one heck of a fun guy! He is the jokster in the house. He is the one who knows how our schedule looks, usually before I do... He is the one keeping us all aware of what is going on. He is also, the most tenderhearted child I know. If ever we drive past a broken down car, he always asks if we can stop and help. He always sneaks over to me, and sneaks in a hug, or a back rub. He is so sweet... He, though, is my biggest challenge. He is a strong willed kid, who tends to not think things through too far. This has caused many "OWEN"s to spew out of my mouth! With this boy I need to sit back, and watch the marvel that he is. He is sensitive, though I usually don't notice it. He is caring, and sweet, and imaginative. He is a true comedien, and he loves the world we live in. He loves to be outside, and usually dirty. He love to watch nature happen, and often will find ways to make nature happen! He is a beautiful child. He is a true blessing. He is mine.

in the beginning there was one...

And he was James. And James was good!!!

All of James' baby pictures are actually printed out and in albums... He was born before we oned a digital camera. This means that we have actual documentation of his life... not just electronic..

From the first time I saw him I was enthrawled with him. He was an easy baby, with few outcries. We were able to decifier his cries early on. He loved looking at the world around him. He loved to be layed in the soft grass on a warm day, and he would just be at peace. When he started to walk, he would always walk to the nearest adult, and grab hands. His first "word" was "oot". He would use this as a general "hey look at this!" phrase. It was super cute! He was such a happy baby. He was so in love with my grandmother. They, from day 1, were connected. She was always able to make him smile, and of course he filled her with joy. As James turned from a baby to a toddler and from a toddler to, a full blown boy, he never ceased to be a peaceful spirit. He was always making sure everyone around him had a smile. He always took great care of me, and made sure I was happy. He was thrilled when Owen was born, and was an instant great big brother. He would love to bring me blankets to keep Owen warm. As Owen grew James was always there encouraging him along!

Now that James is about to turn 9, I have noticed some big changes in him. He is starting to except his life as his own. He knows that he is ultimately in charge of who he is, and though at times he would like to be slightly different (he gets this from me!), and doesn't always know how to become who he wants, he can understand that he is the one who needs to figure this all out. He is an amazingly bright, and funny guy. He loves to make people laugh, the louder the better! He is aware that the things he does stands for him. He is becoming more able at making better choices. Even all this is good, real good.... it makes me sad. My little man, is truly becoming a little man... I have read loads of peoples shared thoughts on their own first children growing up, and I always thought that it would not be such a big deal for me... well, *sniff* my baby is growing up... I am proud of who he is becoming, and I am so proud to have been blessed with front row seats for his journey.

James, grow on my dear, and keep making me laugh. I love you.

Ode to my Family

I don't know the exact reason why, but lately I have really felt a desire to recreate my family, and our views, and focus on the feelings associated with parenting. (the good ones!) I have been reading a lot of great blogs lately, and realized that I am not the mother I am meant to be, and I am not the wife I am supposed to be either. Sometime, long ago, life happened. When life happened things got all crazy and busy, and late for something, and off schedule, and just plain out of control... I am here to say that I am going to take my life back... even if it hurts a little, actually especially if it hurts. (with pain comes healing, and new growth!) I am hopeful that in time I am going to be able to look back, and smile at my life, and be proud of who I am. Let this be something that I am able to keep track of, and growth I can actually see, smell, taste, hear, and mostly, feel... I am excited for this year to pull us together. We had a lamb born Saturday, and this makes me want to also experience a new birth! I am going in Wednesday for my 7th knee surgery, and when I come home, I am going to start as an infant, and I am going to re-learn all about myself, and my family. I am going to be the mother I can feel inside me. To start I am going to post for each of my children, celebrating each one's individuality, and personality. I will start with my oldest, James. It is so hard to believe that he is nearing 9... but alas, that is for the next post...

day 7 home with the kids

The kids came home last night... and were frightened by my state... I felt so bad when their eyes traced my leg, until they discovered the deformity laying beneath my pants. Their little eyes looked horrified. It broke my heart. Soon they will become comfortable with my crutches and funky walk. If this nerve damage passes then there is hope that I will someday be able to get back to "normal." Or I may be unable to feel my leg from the knee down, and I am going to have to adjust to that. That possibility scares me. I chose this surgery to be able to become pain free... that was my goal. Now I am having to live with the possibility of having excruciating pain every second of every day. I am ready to get back into normal life, life that means that I can make the kids breakfast, or take the dog for a walk, or just being able to take a shower... So far, not too many "good" things have come from this surgery... the tumor was taken out, or rather parts of it, and for that i am thankful. I am trying to be patient, and calm, and am waiting to see the end results. Hopefully soon, I will be able to wake up in the morning and not shed a tear...

Recovery Day 4

i am home, alone... for, what seemed like so long, i relied on others to help take of my needs, everything from going to the bathroom, to putting on socks. Now i find myself alone. I can manage. Really I can... It's just lonely. I can sit here and think about the pain, and lack or motion, or how numb my whole foot is... i am really trying to continue with a positive attitude, but i think it is becoming harder the more i am able to really focus on me. i am trying to work on some of the physical therapists suggestions for a faster recovery... however, the pain is so excruciating i think that i am going to pass out... when i add more pain meds, i get so sleepy i can't even move. i know we are still early on, but in this kind of recovery, every second counts...

positive thought spot...

it is so sunny, and warm by the living room window! I am really looking forward to spring this year. M and i have some great garden plans... i am very excited for!! come see the front yard transfom into a children's wonderland!! posted updates can be found at www.theopendoorfarm.blogspot.com

Heading Out

the house is clean, up to my standards at least...

the kids are packed, or at least won't be naked tomorrow...

the dog has friends to take care of her, thanks Matt and Molly!

time for me to stuff my face, in preparation of not eating tomorrow at all!!!

then off we go... when i come home i will be a new woman! (ok, hopes too high... fine!)

thanks for all the well wishes, and love... i will be ok. the kids will also manage... and mike, well, he has work to escape to! ok, time to take one last shower!!! and you better believe it is going to be at least 30 minutes long!!! (water conservation... nah... the basement has plenty of water in it... i will conserve that!)

Peace

Moving on and changes

We went to Boston yesterday in preparation for Fridays surgery. I feel confident that this is the right choice, and that everything will be ok. I worry now, about the weather while we are down there. There is a lot of traveling involved with surgery, especially one in Boston! Mike and the kids are all set, or so I am leading myself to believe. I am hopeful that this surgery will make me more able to enjoy this summer. Tammy, a great friend of mine, hopes to hike small parts of the Appalachian trail this summer, with the 7 year old daughter. I would love to be able to join them with James... this is the old me!! The me that is somewhat peeking out from behind a tattered, broken, pain filled me... I am hopeful that the old me will be healthy, and ready for some wonderful summer adventures.

I will be able to up date you all on my surgery and healing process some time next week. Thanks for all your prayers.

continuing the count down...

The days are blurry as they race by... I don't know if I am nervous for the surgery, or if I am just thinking ahead for the unknown. My recoveries before have been with one child, less than 13 months old. One child whom I could place on the floor with a pile of blocks, and he wouldn't move for hours... and when he was hungry, I could suffice with a PB&J, and a snuggle before a nap... NOW, I have three kids, who run, race, climb, fight, wrestle, crave personal, one-on-one attention... We now live in a house slightly less condusive for a speedy recovery... (laundry is in the basement, drying lines in the breezeway!!!) I know it will all be ok. If the laundry doesn't get washed for weeks, and the kids are wearing dirty, stinky clothes, everything will actually be ok... but I don't know if I can easily give up the mommy power I have. I like my house to look, and run a certain way... it's just how I like it. Yes, in normal circumstances, it is easy to maintain... however, when I am unable to walk... not so much. It is going to be a big growing experience for us all. I think that is what I am most nervous about... well that, and I am worried that, like the last 4 surgeries, this won't be a true success. Yeah, there's that too...

helping homeless, counting days...

This past weekend Mike and I were lucky enough to go to New York City, and spend some time feeding and clothing the homeless and poor... we got to do this last year, and I think that this year clenched my heart even harder... One man came to us and asked simply for pants, 36X34... this seems like a simple request... I work at Gap, I sell jeans every day, many, many pairs... yet, by the time this gentle man (he was so gentle, and kind), came to us, we didn't have any pants his size. His eyes fell, and under his breath, but not in a complaining way, but more of a cry for help, he said "I've been wearing these for so long..." and his voice drifted off into a sad silence. He continued to search through our other offerings, and found a shirt, and some socks. He made it to the sandwich area, and eventually left our company with a smile. This man's face shall always be burned into my soul. To me this man symbolizes God. He came to me with an expectation, and had to walk away with the best I could do for him... and with that he was satisfied, if only in the end. There are many times God asks things of me, and I let him down... but in the end, if I give Him all of myself, He is happy. I wish I was able to spend more time with this community. Maybe as the kids grow, and our outreach is stretched a bit further... but for now, I carry that mans face in my thoughts, and will continue to strive to find 36x34 pants.


In other thoughts, I am heading to Boston in 8 days... (actually I am going in 5 for my three hour pre-op...) I am feeling better about the actual surgery, though I know that the grass looks greener on the other side... and I remember how painful, and long the recovery is... I still am hopeful for a strong recovery, and a good out come! I have not made the decision about radiology yet. This is something that I am going to have to talk more about with my dr. and try to figure out what is going to be best for me and my family. I have been running around the house cleaning, and trying to get things in order... I pulled Addie's summer clothes up today, when the warm weather comes I still will not be going up and down stairs. This is something I am going to have to think about. I also vacuumed all the cob webs (or at least most!) off the ceiling. This is more for my peace of mind, and less for my surgery prep!!! Let's call that early Spring cleaning!! James is well through his third grade year, and I am not worried about his schooling taking a hit through this time. Addie and Owen are becoming quite helpful, and I know that they are going to grow through this time of family dependence. We are all learning how to work together, and make the things we want to happen, happen. Together is something that we need to work on. It has always been Mike, and I... then the kids... or Mike and James and I, and the "little kids"... now I feel like we are finally turning into the Russells... funny, we are almost a 10 year old family, are are just beginning to feel like one unit.

I hope this blog has filled all you silly followers with enough Russell-ish-ness for a while. Who knows when I will be back to the computer world!!!
Thanks to all of you for all your thoughts, well wishes, and prayers.

phone calls and soup...

I called the surgeon today. I now have to wait for him to call me back with day of the surgery... I felt a little relieved calling, but I think it is only a matter of time before reality hits. I am scared. I am scared for my family having to really pull together and manage without me, and I guess not so much without me, but also, for me. They are going to have to find a rhythm of life while I heal. I am also scared that this surgery is not going to be good enough. I am worried about making the choice to have radiation... and all that entails. So, with all these things to think about, I made soup today... lots of soup...

I made apple cheddar potato soup... which tastes a lot like heaven...

I also made a veggie soup... which i haven't tasted yet, because it is still blending tastes!!! (and the veggies are not soft yet!)

I am proud of my soups... I have not made a ton of soup in my life, but it is something that I love to do... and eat!!! I made two big batches (does soup come on batches?) so I could freeze 1/2 of each for when I have surgery... I don't know if there will be enough left after tonight, and tomorrow night, to freeze!!! Oh well!!!

I am waiting patiently right next to the phone, although I doubt he will call today... I will be sure to post when he does call. Until then, I will be sampling my soups!!!

decisions...

We have not come to a conclusion... it is not surprising though. We have, (and most of this WE goes to M)been so busy this week... it has not allowed for time just to sit and talk it out. I am going to put all that on the back burner... for a bit.

While we were in Mass, or just outside... we stopped for dinner, and talked about what next. I decided that I would really consider my pain, and decide if surgery was really something i need. I decided i would keep a pain journal. In the moment I also decided that I would walk (outside!)everyday... well, I guess I was living a dream. My pain level this week has been crazy... I just can't seem to get comfortable. I don't know if I am becoming more aware to it, and with that awareness comes weakness, or if it just hurts more... but seriously, I don't know how I am still moving. As far as the walking goal... this week has been full of other plans. I can say though, if I did have time to walk, I don't think I would make it very far... So for this week, my pain journal, well, I didn't actually keep one, but I can look back on this week, and know I did things I could, and took a bunch of ibuprofen... I am going to keep my chin up, and press on to next week.

Yesterday I finished a fun project. My dearest friend, Laura, is having a baby... her first!!! I am throwing her a baby shower, and really wanted to make the invites special, so i made them myself. I made the paper from scraps, and left overs, and added flower seeds, so the cards can be planted, and the guests can enjoy flowers!!! the cards came out better than i thought they would. I may be crafty, but i am not an artist... but i am pleased... and i think Laura is too!!! really, they make me happy!The hard part, it is really hard to write neatly when writing on paper filled with seeds... oh well!

it's been a while...

I cried myself to sleep last night. This comes after a long day at Mass. General Hospital. I am fine... For those of you who don't know, I was diagnosed in 2001, with a benign soft tissue tumor in my knee. This tumor is very rare. (2 in 9,000,000). Yeah, that rare. Well, I had a bunch of seriously intrusive surgeries, with no real cure. I still am battling this tumor. Still... I haven't had surgery since 2004, when i found out i was pregnant... (good reason to not have surgery)... well, i lost that baby. As we planned yet another surgery, and all that it entails (3 months of rehab...) I found out i was pregnant again, with Owen. So surgery was on hold again. When Owen was 5 months old, i had planned on looking into surgery when he was about 1, i got pregnant with Addie... surprise!!! In the years following Addies birth, i couldn't imagine taking 3-6 months off from life to; a. think about myself, and b. become immobile for a long time, and c. not go to work, and earn money for things like food... well, now it's 6 years since my last surgery... my knee is a wreck, seriously. I haven't had a pain free day, in who knows how long, and i am just ready for someone to wiggle their nose, and be done with all this!!! Not so easy... The dr. told me my options... which looks like this...

option 1. Do nothing. I have "made" it this far, why take action now...

option 2. Have an incredibly invasive surgery AGAIN... this in no way guarantees a fix, but will take away most of the tumor... for now...

option 3. Have the above invasive surgery AGAIN, and follow it with a monday-friday for 5-7 weeks, of low dose radiation, which has a decent success rate in other benign tumors, but not enough people have PVNS to know if it is really successful... oh did i mention that radiation can cause, yeah, cause, malignant tumors when used to zap benign ones... right... tempting.

option 4. claim insanity, chop off my own leg, and see where i end up...

i am in a pickle... (mmm, i want pickles...) well, this is not all the choices i have to make... the last, slightly less important, but highly difficult, timing... when do i do this? (if i chose option 1, i guess i am already doing it... go me!) I have a lot of things in planning stages for this summer,(including our 10 year wedding anniversary!) and frankly the last thing i want to do during the summer, is lay on my back in searing pain, waiting to be driving in for radiation therapy... If this was all up to just me, which it is not... i would have not left Mass Gen yesterday. I would have had the surgery, and then dealt with the rest as it comes. Mike, not the bad guy, wants (or in his head needs) to wait until we don't have to buy oil again for the year... me being out of work, him being unable to pick up overtime... it all adds up to hard times... but it's kinda like waiting to get married/have kids/buy a house, until all your bills are paid... THAT NEVER HAPPENS!!!!! Something always comes up... always... the longer we wait, the less likely i am to have a knee at all... the dr. also mentioned that if i end up waiting too long this tumor is going to cause such bad arthritis that i would need to have my leg amputated... now, i am not jumping the gun, and saying that i think that this is going to happen in the next few months, or even years... but i guess this little bit of info really makes me realize how scary this all is... it is not going away... i am not ever going to be able to have the life i imagined having... camping, hiking, skiing, biking, all those fun out door activities, i love, are lost to me... for now... unless this whole thing turns around, and the radiation ends up being what i chose, without complications... now, do you see my problem... everything hinges on "IF"... nothing is really in my hands. and that is what is making this so difficult. well, that and then there is last night... i was searching for other PVNS, let's call them victims, in Maine... last i knew, there was me, and two older men. One of the men died in a car accident... (totally unrelated)... the other had ONE surgery... ONE, and was completely cured (which makes him no longer a "victim")... i am so glad for him, and so jealous my skin burns... so last night, i found a thirty something woman living in southern Maine... her blog is something like, ihavepvsn... i was hopeful to have found a soul mate... i had to read back a bit in her blog to find the entry of her diagnoses, and then the entry of her surgery, and then i found the entry of her appointment where she discovered that the surgery was a complete success, and she was and would always be tumor free... i am sorry, truly i am... i am a selfish, mean spirited, jealous, hateful, sinner... why can't i be cured... why won't i ever be cured? why do i have to have this forever? why do i have to chose between "sucking it up", and risking getting CANCER... (mike has forbidden me to take any action that may lead to cancer... he just can't bare losing me... )... how do i tell him how lost i am... i didn't expect all this to hurt as bad as it does... really, i am tough, i have a great handle on pain tolerance, and i realize that "this could be much worse"... (thanks)... but man, this really sucks. in the mean time, i have ice on my knee, and a headache. i am going to take a nap... and most likely cry a bit...