Heading Out

the house is clean, up to my standards at least...

the kids are packed, or at least won't be naked tomorrow...

the dog has friends to take care of her, thanks Matt and Molly!

time for me to stuff my face, in preparation of not eating tomorrow at all!!!

then off we go... when i come home i will be a new woman! (ok, hopes too high... fine!)

thanks for all the well wishes, and love... i will be ok. the kids will also manage... and mike, well, he has work to escape to! ok, time to take one last shower!!! and you better believe it is going to be at least 30 minutes long!!! (water conservation... nah... the basement has plenty of water in it... i will conserve that!)

Peace

Moving on and changes

We went to Boston yesterday in preparation for Fridays surgery. I feel confident that this is the right choice, and that everything will be ok. I worry now, about the weather while we are down there. There is a lot of traveling involved with surgery, especially one in Boston! Mike and the kids are all set, or so I am leading myself to believe. I am hopeful that this surgery will make me more able to enjoy this summer. Tammy, a great friend of mine, hopes to hike small parts of the Appalachian trail this summer, with the 7 year old daughter. I would love to be able to join them with James... this is the old me!! The me that is somewhat peeking out from behind a tattered, broken, pain filled me... I am hopeful that the old me will be healthy, and ready for some wonderful summer adventures.

I will be able to up date you all on my surgery and healing process some time next week. Thanks for all your prayers.

continuing the count down...

The days are blurry as they race by... I don't know if I am nervous for the surgery, or if I am just thinking ahead for the unknown. My recoveries before have been with one child, less than 13 months old. One child whom I could place on the floor with a pile of blocks, and he wouldn't move for hours... and when he was hungry, I could suffice with a PB&J, and a snuggle before a nap... NOW, I have three kids, who run, race, climb, fight, wrestle, crave personal, one-on-one attention... We now live in a house slightly less condusive for a speedy recovery... (laundry is in the basement, drying lines in the breezeway!!!) I know it will all be ok. If the laundry doesn't get washed for weeks, and the kids are wearing dirty, stinky clothes, everything will actually be ok... but I don't know if I can easily give up the mommy power I have. I like my house to look, and run a certain way... it's just how I like it. Yes, in normal circumstances, it is easy to maintain... however, when I am unable to walk... not so much. It is going to be a big growing experience for us all. I think that is what I am most nervous about... well that, and I am worried that, like the last 4 surgeries, this won't be a true success. Yeah, there's that too...

helping homeless, counting days...

This past weekend Mike and I were lucky enough to go to New York City, and spend some time feeding and clothing the homeless and poor... we got to do this last year, and I think that this year clenched my heart even harder... One man came to us and asked simply for pants, 36X34... this seems like a simple request... I work at Gap, I sell jeans every day, many, many pairs... yet, by the time this gentle man (he was so gentle, and kind), came to us, we didn't have any pants his size. His eyes fell, and under his breath, but not in a complaining way, but more of a cry for help, he said "I've been wearing these for so long..." and his voice drifted off into a sad silence. He continued to search through our other offerings, and found a shirt, and some socks. He made it to the sandwich area, and eventually left our company with a smile. This man's face shall always be burned into my soul. To me this man symbolizes God. He came to me with an expectation, and had to walk away with the best I could do for him... and with that he was satisfied, if only in the end. There are many times God asks things of me, and I let him down... but in the end, if I give Him all of myself, He is happy. I wish I was able to spend more time with this community. Maybe as the kids grow, and our outreach is stretched a bit further... but for now, I carry that mans face in my thoughts, and will continue to strive to find 36x34 pants.


In other thoughts, I am heading to Boston in 8 days... (actually I am going in 5 for my three hour pre-op...) I am feeling better about the actual surgery, though I know that the grass looks greener on the other side... and I remember how painful, and long the recovery is... I still am hopeful for a strong recovery, and a good out come! I have not made the decision about radiology yet. This is something that I am going to have to talk more about with my dr. and try to figure out what is going to be best for me and my family. I have been running around the house cleaning, and trying to get things in order... I pulled Addie's summer clothes up today, when the warm weather comes I still will not be going up and down stairs. This is something I am going to have to think about. I also vacuumed all the cob webs (or at least most!) off the ceiling. This is more for my peace of mind, and less for my surgery prep!!! Let's call that early Spring cleaning!! James is well through his third grade year, and I am not worried about his schooling taking a hit through this time. Addie and Owen are becoming quite helpful, and I know that they are going to grow through this time of family dependence. We are all learning how to work together, and make the things we want to happen, happen. Together is something that we need to work on. It has always been Mike, and I... then the kids... or Mike and James and I, and the "little kids"... now I feel like we are finally turning into the Russells... funny, we are almost a 10 year old family, are are just beginning to feel like one unit.

I hope this blog has filled all you silly followers with enough Russell-ish-ness for a while. Who knows when I will be back to the computer world!!!
Thanks to all of you for all your thoughts, well wishes, and prayers.

phone calls and soup...

I called the surgeon today. I now have to wait for him to call me back with day of the surgery... I felt a little relieved calling, but I think it is only a matter of time before reality hits. I am scared. I am scared for my family having to really pull together and manage without me, and I guess not so much without me, but also, for me. They are going to have to find a rhythm of life while I heal. I am also scared that this surgery is not going to be good enough. I am worried about making the choice to have radiation... and all that entails. So, with all these things to think about, I made soup today... lots of soup...

I made apple cheddar potato soup... which tastes a lot like heaven...

I also made a veggie soup... which i haven't tasted yet, because it is still blending tastes!!! (and the veggies are not soft yet!)

I am proud of my soups... I have not made a ton of soup in my life, but it is something that I love to do... and eat!!! I made two big batches (does soup come on batches?) so I could freeze 1/2 of each for when I have surgery... I don't know if there will be enough left after tonight, and tomorrow night, to freeze!!! Oh well!!!

I am waiting patiently right next to the phone, although I doubt he will call today... I will be sure to post when he does call. Until then, I will be sampling my soups!!!

decisions...

We have not come to a conclusion... it is not surprising though. We have, (and most of this WE goes to M)been so busy this week... it has not allowed for time just to sit and talk it out. I am going to put all that on the back burner... for a bit.

While we were in Mass, or just outside... we stopped for dinner, and talked about what next. I decided that I would really consider my pain, and decide if surgery was really something i need. I decided i would keep a pain journal. In the moment I also decided that I would walk (outside!)everyday... well, I guess I was living a dream. My pain level this week has been crazy... I just can't seem to get comfortable. I don't know if I am becoming more aware to it, and with that awareness comes weakness, or if it just hurts more... but seriously, I don't know how I am still moving. As far as the walking goal... this week has been full of other plans. I can say though, if I did have time to walk, I don't think I would make it very far... So for this week, my pain journal, well, I didn't actually keep one, but I can look back on this week, and know I did things I could, and took a bunch of ibuprofen... I am going to keep my chin up, and press on to next week.

Yesterday I finished a fun project. My dearest friend, Laura, is having a baby... her first!!! I am throwing her a baby shower, and really wanted to make the invites special, so i made them myself. I made the paper from scraps, and left overs, and added flower seeds, so the cards can be planted, and the guests can enjoy flowers!!! the cards came out better than i thought they would. I may be crafty, but i am not an artist... but i am pleased... and i think Laura is too!!! really, they make me happy!The hard part, it is really hard to write neatly when writing on paper filled with seeds... oh well!

it's been a while...

I cried myself to sleep last night. This comes after a long day at Mass. General Hospital. I am fine... For those of you who don't know, I was diagnosed in 2001, with a benign soft tissue tumor in my knee. This tumor is very rare. (2 in 9,000,000). Yeah, that rare. Well, I had a bunch of seriously intrusive surgeries, with no real cure. I still am battling this tumor. Still... I haven't had surgery since 2004, when i found out i was pregnant... (good reason to not have surgery)... well, i lost that baby. As we planned yet another surgery, and all that it entails (3 months of rehab...) I found out i was pregnant again, with Owen. So surgery was on hold again. When Owen was 5 months old, i had planned on looking into surgery when he was about 1, i got pregnant with Addie... surprise!!! In the years following Addies birth, i couldn't imagine taking 3-6 months off from life to; a. think about myself, and b. become immobile for a long time, and c. not go to work, and earn money for things like food... well, now it's 6 years since my last surgery... my knee is a wreck, seriously. I haven't had a pain free day, in who knows how long, and i am just ready for someone to wiggle their nose, and be done with all this!!! Not so easy... The dr. told me my options... which looks like this...

option 1. Do nothing. I have "made" it this far, why take action now...

option 2. Have an incredibly invasive surgery AGAIN... this in no way guarantees a fix, but will take away most of the tumor... for now...

option 3. Have the above invasive surgery AGAIN, and follow it with a monday-friday for 5-7 weeks, of low dose radiation, which has a decent success rate in other benign tumors, but not enough people have PVNS to know if it is really successful... oh did i mention that radiation can cause, yeah, cause, malignant tumors when used to zap benign ones... right... tempting.

option 4. claim insanity, chop off my own leg, and see where i end up...

i am in a pickle... (mmm, i want pickles...) well, this is not all the choices i have to make... the last, slightly less important, but highly difficult, timing... when do i do this? (if i chose option 1, i guess i am already doing it... go me!) I have a lot of things in planning stages for this summer,(including our 10 year wedding anniversary!) and frankly the last thing i want to do during the summer, is lay on my back in searing pain, waiting to be driving in for radiation therapy... If this was all up to just me, which it is not... i would have not left Mass Gen yesterday. I would have had the surgery, and then dealt with the rest as it comes. Mike, not the bad guy, wants (or in his head needs) to wait until we don't have to buy oil again for the year... me being out of work, him being unable to pick up overtime... it all adds up to hard times... but it's kinda like waiting to get married/have kids/buy a house, until all your bills are paid... THAT NEVER HAPPENS!!!!! Something always comes up... always... the longer we wait, the less likely i am to have a knee at all... the dr. also mentioned that if i end up waiting too long this tumor is going to cause such bad arthritis that i would need to have my leg amputated... now, i am not jumping the gun, and saying that i think that this is going to happen in the next few months, or even years... but i guess this little bit of info really makes me realize how scary this all is... it is not going away... i am not ever going to be able to have the life i imagined having... camping, hiking, skiing, biking, all those fun out door activities, i love, are lost to me... for now... unless this whole thing turns around, and the radiation ends up being what i chose, without complications... now, do you see my problem... everything hinges on "IF"... nothing is really in my hands. and that is what is making this so difficult. well, that and then there is last night... i was searching for other PVNS, let's call them victims, in Maine... last i knew, there was me, and two older men. One of the men died in a car accident... (totally unrelated)... the other had ONE surgery... ONE, and was completely cured (which makes him no longer a "victim")... i am so glad for him, and so jealous my skin burns... so last night, i found a thirty something woman living in southern Maine... her blog is something like, ihavepvsn... i was hopeful to have found a soul mate... i had to read back a bit in her blog to find the entry of her diagnoses, and then the entry of her surgery, and then i found the entry of her appointment where she discovered that the surgery was a complete success, and she was and would always be tumor free... i am sorry, truly i am... i am a selfish, mean spirited, jealous, hateful, sinner... why can't i be cured... why won't i ever be cured? why do i have to have this forever? why do i have to chose between "sucking it up", and risking getting CANCER... (mike has forbidden me to take any action that may lead to cancer... he just can't bare losing me... )... how do i tell him how lost i am... i didn't expect all this to hurt as bad as it does... really, i am tough, i have a great handle on pain tolerance, and i realize that "this could be much worse"... (thanks)... but man, this really sucks. in the mean time, i have ice on my knee, and a headache. i am going to take a nap... and most likely cry a bit...