Life Is Dirty, Dig In!!!

today

2010-08-03T20:37:00.002-04:00

the sun was high in the sky. it's light gleaming down on all below. the heat encouraging the crickets to sing their lullaby. the kids riding bikes, screaching with glee. i rest, in the shade, hot, and at peace. listening to the summer sounds. basking in the heat. it is august.

when does it begin to matter?

2010-08-02T12:57:00.001-04:00

when?

Sacrifices...

2010-07-21T11:43:00.002-04:00

My last post mentioned giving until it hurts. This can be real hard, but usually in the end it is worth all the effort. I am learning this lesson today. Our family had undertaken a huge garden this year. mike is working a more than full time job, plus a part time job on the side. i am not working, yet, but am slightly limited physically. and our kids, are, well, kids. but still this huge garden is looming in the back yard, begging to be tended, weeded, loved... i don't like gardening. i never have. i don't know why exactly. it's just not my thing. also, i have a touch like King Midas, not that everything i touch turns to gold (wouldn't that be nice!) instead, everything i touch dies... continually... i can't manage to grow a cactus... which requires little or no attention... having the garden in the back yard, staring back at me every morning is hard. almost depressing. i want to be good at it, i want the veggies to grow. but i can't seem to muster up enough love to actually want to go out there and deal with it. until last night... mike mentioned deciding to just till the whole garden under, and give up. when these casually spoken words hit my ears i crumbled. all the hard work i had put out there, which never seems enough, really wasn't enough. it hurt so badly inside me thinking about that garden, all the seeds we hand planted, all the watering we did, all the weeds we had pulled, and most of all, all the veggies that are just not quite ready would be a waste. a disappointment. a failure. i have never wanted anything more in my life than to make someone proud of me. (this is the part when i stop thinking about what i am typing, and type strictly from the heart)... in our home we are mostly living, or trying to live, a dream mike has had since childhood... there is nothing in the world i want more than to help his dreams come true. (good thing his dreams include having successful children!) when he mentioned giving up, it made me realize that i was not giving until it hurt. up until now i have weeded, watered, and half loved the garden. only committing when it was convenient. this morning, i had major plans, i was going to get the house all cleaned up for an up coming birthday party. I knew that i only have a few days to get it all done... but i put all that aside, and worked in the garden for nearly three hours. i got the tomatoes all weeded, and man, they look good! (have i mentioned that tomatoes are my absolute least favorite food?!?!) after conquering that tomato section, i feel... wonderful. the sacrifice of time, and energy did hurt a little bit, but the fact that it is now done, and i did it... feels amazing. let me leave you with this... find some way to sacrifice until it hurts... the "wound" will feel amazing... especially when you realize that you don't have any healing to do, because it was all healed when you began to sacrifice... peace.

what can you give?

2010-07-08T23:07:00.002-04:00

I was terribly inspired this week when i was able to meet with some teens from across the world. these teens are part of a camp called Seeds of Peace (google them!!) this camp is all about bringing teens from countries that are at war to Maine (of all places!) to learn about being peace-makers! this is a really cool idea, and the kids were really on fire for upon returning home, being able to make a difference! One thing i really took from this meeting, was their desire to fulfil simple needs in their own country. Several of the teens live in refuge camps, and are watching their homes fall apart. it is so moving... yet, these kids want to help each other accomplish their dreams. so with this, comes our ideas. We are not in charge here, and we want to make sure that we are living out God's will. Mike and i have thought a lot about intentional living, community, and living with only basic needs. We feel at this time that we have plenty to shed to become more dependent on God. So, without Mike's knowledge! (he's just so busy this time of year!) i am going to go through the house, and start shedding anything we don't absolutely need. i will of course take into consideration that we have young children, and they ofter times require entertainment, but really, even with the few toys and things we have, we still have too many! *side note (see bottom)* If any of my friends want to help move things out that would be great, also i will be looking for needy homes for things to go to... i wish that anything we get rid of, doesn't become someone else's burden... we want our extra things to go some where that they are actually needed... now, another question comes to mind... is getting rid of the "extra" enough? no, i don't think so... someone once told me that it is not a sacrifice unless it hurts... so let's call this phase one... phase one most likely won't hurt... but let me tell you, i won't stop there... phase two will follow, and it most certainly should hurt... already, just thinking about this makes me feel more free... try it... find something that you don't use (or seldom use) and find someone else who would get better use of it... DON'T sell it... for really, it's not yours to sell... if your brother (or sister) has a need, who are you to not fulfill it?

*we are also trying to think of creative ways to celebrate Christmas this year. Our relatives, main;y those far away) like to send toys and such to the kids, ofter overwhelming them... any creative ideas would be much appreciated!*

Mechanical Errors

2010-06-29T08:02:00.002-04:00

When I had my last surgery, in March, I had internal souchers put in. I was told by the Dr. that these souchers would disolve in time... It has been three months, and there is no sign of disolving... I am in severe amount of pain, as I am sure you can imagine. I called, and went to two dr.s in Maine to have them remove these stitches. Both of them, in their own way, told me that they didn't put the stitches there, and they most certainly won't be removing them... which, frankly, I can't blame them... I, however, and still stuck with these souchers in my knee. It is getting to the point where I can barely walk. Today, I will be going to Boston to have the surgeon who put these stitches in, to have him take them out! I am nervous though, these stitches have been in here for a long time, and with that could come infection... and other complications.

So here we go...

new adventures on the horizon!

2010-06-25T18:18:00.002-04:00

Well, this sure has been an interesting year... and it is all about to change... big change... life altering change...

Have i peaked your curiosity? Good... wanna know what's going on? well...

I have been offered a new job, a good job. I will be the new director of our local food pantry, Catherine's Cupboard. This is a pantry that my family and I have volunteered at for nearly 2 years. I will be an employee of St. Joe's College, and I will have a DESK!!! (those of you who have desks and want to not... sorry... I have been working on my feet for so many years, I am ready to sit down!) I will work in the Campus Ministries office, with some very cool people! I am really excited.

The second part of our life altering plans... with a new job comes a new schedule, and with a new schedule, comes a lack of "free"time... so, Mike and I have decided to send James to public school... Somewhere inside my head I feel like a sell out. I feel like i am failing him... but in my heart, i know that this choice is the best for our whole family. He will be fine, and he will actually learn to love school again. He is overall ok with this decision. He doesn't like the idea of having deadlines, and time frames, but i think that these concepts are actually really good for him to learn. Owen also will be starting kindergarten this year. He is thrilled!!! He can't wait. I am worried about this transition... only because he is sooo little boy, i am not sure how he will fit in. But over all, i think that he will love the atmosphere of school, and i know he will love his teacher! He loves spending time with other kids, and i think that he will have a lot to offer a classroom setting.

Addie, well, she is still to young for kindergarten, just barely... so we are looking into a preschool for her. though if we don't find one, she is welcome to come to work with me. So all, in all, it is going to be big changes, but i welcome them, and i am excited for what is on the horizon.

Grocery Shopping

2010-06-15T12:29:00.002-04:00

This week continues our local-vore diet. We went (drum roll please!) to the grocery store!!! For the first time in my entire life, we only bought food from the outside aisles of the store... well, almost. We did buy all purpose flour, made in Vermont (inside our circle!), and shortening, outside our circle... and tuna. (we have a few cans, and i wanted to be able to use it all up in one meal, and feed everyone!!) Other than that... all local, all fresh!! NO corn syrup, or even artificial flavors!!! No red #44, or blue #7... ahh... sweet food!!! Last night I made a meal using tomatoes and meat and spelt berries!! it was good. tonight, it's spinach, strawberry salad, potato salad, and open faced cheddar cheese melts, on chala bread!!! yum!!! i love also how in our kitchen store bought cans and jars are quickly being replaced by Ball jars! I am proud of our food, and I am proud of our family! So far, no one has shed a tear... though i will tattle tale a little... (*mike bought pepsi last night!*)... phew, i feel better... he is trying to finish a bottle of rum he has... or so he says! (grin)... Let's see what happens next week! (i just realized that he will miss a lot more than i will...!) I have to go boil potatoes for tonight, then it's off to sew a little girl sized kitchen apron!! (which is coming out sooo sweet!)

diggin in

2010-06-04T08:09:00.003-04:00

life has been a constant whirl wind for the past, oh, um... 10 years or so... I really want to be able to blog more, so I can look back and remember what we lived through... well, let me start (again) here, and now...

This week has been particularly hectic because I am in a wedding this weekend... and for anyone who has even been in a wedding, you know that the week leading up to it, can be a mess!!! We are "learning" the dance to MJ's Thriller... which in itself is a feat... I am having a blast dancing again... it's been SEVERAL years since I put on my dancing feet!! Also this week we have been trying to get a real handle on the garden. The kids and I have been planting start seeds, and weeding, and Mike, when he gets home from his own farm, is working just as hard getting our food supply in order... This year our kids are all old enough to help... i am going to use the word "help" loosely... They all care about where their food comes from, and they are starting to understand that food sold in the grocery store, isn't always food... This is something we are really trying to instill in them... We are embarking on our local-vore diet this month... and actually were able to jump start that when, while camping, a friend of ours came over to hard wire our generator... in doing this he had to turn off the power to the house, and the generator... when he left, he forgot to turn the power back on... this was Saturday, we got home Monday... needless to say, everything in the fridge and freezer was lost... I guess it's a good place to start buying all local, when you have nothing else lurking in the corners... so... here we go... local food... all local.... 250 miles from our house... what will we miss? Chocolate... and well, that's all i can think of right now... but i am sure as this gets into full swing, I will be able to think of more things I miss, though I am positive that they will not be things that make this adventure not worth it... I am looking forward to the relationship with my food, that buying local instills. My kids are going to be able to look at a map, and say where their food comes from, and in many cases, they are going to be able to be part of the growing process... this is something i am more proud of!

so people, here we go... local!

Adelyn the girl baby!

2010-03-29T14:09:00.002-04:00

It was never my intention to have my two youngest so close together. It was a "God thing." I was so overwhelmed at first. But Adelyn was such an easy baby that she truly just melted into our family. She was always a happy baby, watching the world around her. She was at peace to just sit in her chair and listen to the family around her. She has always been Daddy's little girl. She loves spending special time with him, and isn't afraid of some hard work. When she was not even 2 she was helping Daddy take care of the turkeys. (there is a picture of that somewhere around here!) She is really just becoming a little lady. She is bossy, as all little girls are! She loves to make believe. She loves to play babies, and usually has at least three in tow. She loves to help Mommy with the chores, and is so pleased when she can see that her helping really does make a difference. She loves to be around people. She makes everyone smile. Though when there are many strangers around, she is quiet shy, don't be fooled. Under that cloak of shyness lies a little girl dying to have your attention. She loves to be outside, and especially in the wood. She can make a decent fairy house, and loves to imagine them being occupied. She is a good sister, and can ofter be heard saying "I will share with you because I love you." She makes me smile, even when she is not trying to. She is a wonderful daughter. And I am excited to watch her blossom into a big girl!

Owen, the middlest!

2010-03-29T13:51:00.003-04:00

Owen was born when James was just about to turn 4. I love the age difference. It made James aware of Owen. Owen has always been a tough kid. He cried a lot as a baby, and even now, as a nearly 5 year old (wow) he is sometimes hard to console. All this aside... he is one heck of a fun guy! He is the jokster in the house. He is the one who knows how our schedule looks, usually before I do... He is the one keeping us all aware of what is going on. He is also, the most tenderhearted child I know. If ever we drive past a broken down car, he always asks if we can stop and help. He always sneaks over to me, and sneaks in a hug, or a back rub. He is so sweet... He, though, is my biggest challenge. He is a strong willed kid, who tends to not think things through too far. This has caused many "OWEN"s to spew out of my mouth! With this boy I need to sit back, and watch the marvel that he is. He is sensitive, though I usually don't notice it. He is caring, and sweet, and imaginative. He is a true comedien, and he loves the world we live in. He loves to be outside, and usually dirty. He love to watch nature happen, and often will find ways to make nature happen! He is a beautiful child. He is a true blessing. He is mine.

in the beginning there was one...

2010-03-29T13:14:00.004-04:00

And he was James. And James was good!!!

All of James' baby pictures are actually printed out and in albums... He was born before we oned a digital camera. This means that we have actual documentation of his life... not just electronic..

From the first time I saw him I was enthrawled with him. He was an easy baby, with few outcries. We were able to decifier his cries early on. He loved looking at the world around him. He loved to be layed in the soft grass on a warm day, and he would just be at peace. When he started to walk, he would always walk to the nearest adult, and grab hands. His first "word" was "oot". He would use this as a general "hey look at this!" phrase. It was super cute! He was such a happy baby. He was so in love with my grandmother. They, from day 1, were connected. She was always able to make him smile, and of course he filled her with joy. As James turned from a baby to a toddler and from a toddler to, a full blown boy, he never ceased to be a peaceful spirit. He was always making sure everyone around him had a smile. He always took great care of me, and made sure I was happy. He was thrilled when Owen was born, and was an instant great big brother. He would love to bring me blankets to keep Owen warm. As Owen grew James was always there encouraging him along!

Now that James is about to turn 9, I have noticed some big changes in him. He is starting to except his life as his own. He knows that he is ultimately in charge of who he is, and though at times he would like to be slightly different (he gets this from me!), and doesn't always know how to become who he wants, he can understand that he is the one who needs to figure this all out. He is an amazingly bright, and funny guy. He loves to make people laugh, the louder the better! He is aware that the things he does stands for him. He is becoming more able at making better choices. Even all this is good, real good.... it makes me sad. My little man, is truly becoming a little man... I have read loads of peoples shared thoughts on their own first children growing up, and I always thought that it would not be such a big deal for me... well, *sniff* my baby is growing up... I am proud of who he is becoming, and I am so proud to have been blessed with front row seats for his journey.

James, grow on my dear, and keep making me laugh. I love you.

Ode to my Family

2010-03-29T13:07:00.003-04:00

I don't know the exact reason why, but lately I have really felt a desire to recreate my family, and our views, and focus on the feelings associated with parenting. (the good ones!) I have been reading a lot of great blogs lately, and realized that I am not the mother I am meant to be, and I am not the wife I am supposed to be either. Sometime, long ago, life happened. When life happened things got all crazy and busy, and late for something, and off schedule, and just plain out of control... I am here to say that I am going to take my life back... even if it hurts a little, actually especially if it hurts. (with pain comes healing, and new growth!) I am hopeful that in time I am going to be able to look back, and smile at my life, and be proud of who I am. Let this be something that I am able to keep track of, and growth I can actually see, smell, taste, hear, and mostly, feel... I am excited for this year to pull us together. We had a lamb born Saturday, and this makes me want to also experience a new birth! I am going in Wednesday for my 7th knee surgery, and when I come home, I am going to start as an infant, and I am going to re-learn all about myself, and my family. I am going to be the mother I can feel inside me. To start I am going to post for each of my children, celebrating each one's individuality, and personality. I will start with my oldest, James. It is so hard to believe that he is nearing 9... but alas, that is for the next post...

day 7 home with the kids

2010-03-05T08:28:00.002-05:00

The kids came home last night... and were frightened by my state... I felt so bad when their eyes traced my leg, until they discovered the deformity laying beneath my pants. Their little eyes looked horrified. It broke my heart. Soon they will become comfortable with my crutches and funky walk. If this nerve damage passes then there is hope that I will someday be able to get back to "normal." Or I may be unable to feel my leg from the knee down, and I am going to have to adjust to that. That possibility scares me. I chose this surgery to be able to become pain free... that was my goal. Now I am having to live with the possibility of having excruciating pain every second of every day. I am ready to get back into normal life, life that means that I can make the kids breakfast, or take the dog for a walk, or just being able to take a shower... So far, not too many "good" things have come from this surgery... the tumor was taken out, or rather parts of it, and for that i am thankful. I am trying to be patient, and calm, and am waiting to see the end results. Hopefully soon, I will be able to wake up in the morning and not shed a tear...

Recovery Day 4

2010-03-02T08:09:00.002-05:00

i am home, alone... for, what seemed like so long, i relied on others to help take of my needs, everything from going to the bathroom, to putting on socks. Now i find myself alone. I can manage. Really I can... It's just lonely. I can sit here and think about the pain, and lack or motion, or how numb my whole foot is... i am really trying to continue with a positive attitude, but i think it is becoming harder the more i am able to really focus on me. i am trying to work on some of the physical therapists suggestions for a faster recovery... however, the pain is so excruciating i think that i am going to pass out... when i add more pain meds, i get so sleepy i can't even move. i know we are still early on, but in this kind of recovery, every second counts...

positive thought spot...

it is so sunny, and warm by the living room window! I am really looking forward to spring this year. M and i have some great garden plans... i am very excited for!! come see the front yard transfom into a children's wonderland!! posted updates can be found at www.theopendoorfarm.blogspot.com

Heading Out

2010-02-25T12:04:00.003-05:00

the house is clean, up to my standards at least...

the kids are packed, or at least won't be naked tomorrow...

the dog has friends to take care of her, thanks Matt and Molly!

time for me to stuff my face, in preparation of not eating tomorrow at all!!!

then off we go... when i come home i will be a new woman! (ok, hopes too high... fine!)

thanks for all the well wishes, and love... i will be ok. the kids will also manage... and mike, well, he has work to escape to! ok, time to take one last shower!!! and you better believe it is going to be at least 30 minutes long!!! (water conservation... nah... the basement has plenty of water in it... i will conserve that!)

Peace

Moving on and changes

2010-02-23T10:45:00.002-05:00

We went to Boston yesterday in preparation for Fridays surgery. I feel confident that this is the right choice, and that everything will be ok. I worry now, about the weather while we are down there. There is a lot of traveling involved with surgery, especially one in Boston! Mike and the kids are all set, or so I am leading myself to believe. I am hopeful that this surgery will make me more able to enjoy this summer. Tammy, a great friend of mine, hopes to hike small parts of the Appalachian trail this summer, with the 7 year old daughter. I would love to be able to join them with James... this is the old me!! The me that is somewhat peeking out from behind a tattered, broken, pain filled me... I am hopeful that the old me will be healthy, and ready for some wonderful summer adventures.

I will be able to up date you all on my surgery and healing process some time next week. Thanks for all your prayers.

continuing the count down...

2010-02-21T09:03:00.002-05:00

The days are blurry as they race by... I don't know if I am nervous for the surgery, or if I am just thinking ahead for the unknown. My recoveries before have been with one child, less than 13 months old. One child whom I could place on the floor with a pile of blocks, and he wouldn't move for hours... and when he was hungry, I could suffice with a PB&J, and a snuggle before a nap... NOW, I have three kids, who run, race, climb, fight, wrestle, crave personal, one-on-one attention... We now live in a house slightly less condusive for a speedy recovery... (laundry is in the basement, drying lines in the breezeway!!!) I know it will all be ok. If the laundry doesn't get washed for weeks, and the kids are wearing dirty, stinky clothes, everything will actually be ok... but I don't know if I can easily give up the mommy power I have. I like my house to look, and run a certain way... it's just how I like it. Yes, in normal circumstances, it is easy to maintain... however, when I am unable to walk... not so much. It is going to be a big growing experience for us all. I think that is what I am most nervous about... well that, and I am worried that, like the last 4 surgeries, this won't be a true success. Yeah, there's that too...

helping homeless, counting days...

2010-02-17T19:22:00.002-05:00

This past weekend Mike and I were lucky enough to go to New York City, and spend some time feeding and clothing the homeless and poor... we got to do this last year, and I think that this year clenched my heart even harder... One man came to us and asked simply for pants, 36X34... this seems like a simple request... I work at Gap, I sell jeans every day, many, many pairs... yet, by the time this gentle man (he was so gentle, and kind), came to us, we didn't have any pants his size. His eyes fell, and under his breath, but not in a complaining way, but more of a cry for help, he said "I've been wearing these for so long..." and his voice drifted off into a sad silence. He continued to search through our other offerings, and found a shirt, and some socks. He made it to the sandwich area, and eventually left our company with a smile. This man's face shall always be burned into my soul. To me this man symbolizes God. He came to me with an expectation, and had to walk away with the best I could do for him... and with that he was satisfied, if only in the end. There are many times God asks things of me, and I let him down... but in the end, if I give Him all of myself, He is happy. I wish I was able to spend more time with this community. Maybe as the kids grow, and our outreach is stretched a bit further... but for now, I carry that mans face in my thoughts, and will continue to strive to find 36x34 pants.

In other thoughts, I am heading to Boston in 8 days... (actually I am going in 5 for my three hour pre-op...) I am feeling better about the actual surgery, though I know that the grass looks greener on the other side... and I remember how painful, and long the recovery is... I still am hopeful for a strong recovery, and a good out come! I have not made the decision about radiology yet. This is something that I am going to have to talk more about with my dr. and try to figure out what is going to be best for me and my family. I have been running around the house cleaning, and trying to get things in order... I pulled Addie's summer clothes up today, when the warm weather comes I still will not be going up and down stairs. This is something I am going to have to think about. I also vacuumed all the cob webs (or at least most!) off the ceiling. This is more for my peace of mind, and less for my surgery prep!!! Let's call that early Spring cleaning!! James is well through his third grade year, and I am not worried about his schooling taking a hit through this time. Addie and Owen are becoming quite helpful, and I know that they are going to grow through this time of family dependence. We are all learning how to work together, and make the things we want to happen, happen. Together is something that we need to work on. It has always been Mike, and I... then the kids... or Mike and James and I, and the "little kids"... now I feel like we are finally turning into the Russells... funny, we are almost a 10 year old family, are are just beginning to feel like one unit.

I hope this blog has filled all you silly followers with enough Russell-ish-ness for a while. Who knows when I will be back to the computer world!!!
Thanks to all of you for all your thoughts, well wishes, and prayers.

phone calls and soup...

2010-02-08T11:06:00.002-05:00

I called the surgeon today. I now have to wait for him to call me back with day of the surgery... I felt a little relieved calling, but I think it is only a matter of time before reality hits. I am scared. I am scared for my family having to really pull together and manage without me, and I guess not so much without me, but also, for me. They are going to have to find a rhythm of life while I heal. I am also scared that this surgery is not going to be good enough. I am worried about making the choice to have radiation... and all that entails. So, with all these things to think about, I made soup today... lots of soup...

I made apple cheddar potato soup... which tastes a lot like heaven...

I also made a veggie soup... which i haven't tasted yet, because it is still blending tastes!!! (and the veggies are not soft yet!)

I am proud of my soups... I have not made a ton of soup in my life, but it is something that I love to do... and eat!!! I made two big batches (does soup come on batches?) so I could freeze 1/2 of each for when I have surgery... I don't know if there will be enough left after tonight, and tomorrow night, to freeze!!! Oh well!!!

I am waiting patiently right next to the phone, although I doubt he will call today... I will be sure to post when he does call. Until then, I will be sampling my soups!!!

decisions...

2010-02-05T09:37:00.003-05:00

We have not come to a conclusion... it is not surprising though. We have, (and most of this WE goes to M)been so busy this week... it has not allowed for time just to sit and talk it out. I am going to put all that on the back burner... for a bit.

While we were in Mass, or just outside... we stopped for dinner, and talked about what next. I decided that I would really consider my pain, and decide if surgery was really something i need. I decided i would keep a pain journal. In the moment I also decided that I would walk (outside!)everyday... well, I guess I was living a dream. My pain level this week has been crazy... I just can't seem to get comfortable. I don't know if I am becoming more aware to it, and with that awareness comes weakness, or if it just hurts more... but seriously, I don't know how I am still moving. As far as the walking goal... this week has been full of other plans. I can say though, if I did have time to walk, I don't think I would make it very far... So for this week, my pain journal, well, I didn't actually keep one, but I can look back on this week, and know I did things I could, and took a bunch of ibuprofen... I am going to keep my chin up, and press on to next week.

Yesterday I finished a fun project. My dearest friend, Laura, is having a baby... her first!!! I am throwing her a baby shower, and really wanted to make the invites special, so i made them myself. I made the paper from scraps, and left overs, and added flower seeds, so the cards can be planted, and the guests can enjoy flowers!!! the cards came out better than i thought they would. I may be crafty, but i am not an artist... but i am pleased... and i think Laura is too!!! really, they make me happy!The hard part, it is really hard to write neatly when writing on paper filled with seeds... oh well!

it's been a while...

2010-02-02T12:43:00.002-05:00

I cried myself to sleep last night. This comes after a long day at Mass. General Hospital. I am fine... For those of you who don't know, I was diagnosed in 2001, with a benign soft tissue tumor in my knee. This tumor is very rare. (2 in 9,000,000). Yeah, that rare. Well, I had a bunch of seriously intrusive surgeries, with no real cure. I still am battling this tumor. Still... I haven't had surgery since 2004, when i found out i was pregnant... (good reason to not have surgery)... well, i lost that baby. As we planned yet another surgery, and all that it entails (3 months of rehab...) I found out i was pregnant again, with Owen. So surgery was on hold again. When Owen was 5 months old, i had planned on looking into surgery when he was about 1, i got pregnant with Addie... surprise!!! In the years following Addies birth, i couldn't imagine taking 3-6 months off from life to; a. think about myself, and b. become immobile for a long time, and c. not go to work, and earn money for things like food... well, now it's 6 years since my last surgery... my knee is a wreck, seriously. I haven't had a pain free day, in who knows how long, and i am just ready for someone to wiggle their nose, and be done with all this!!! Not so easy... The dr. told me my options... which looks like this...

option 1. Do nothing. I have "made" it this far, why take action now...

option 2. Have an incredibly invasive surgery AGAIN... this in no way guarantees a fix, but will take away most of the tumor... for now...

option 3. Have the above invasive surgery AGAIN, and follow it with a monday-friday for 5-7 weeks, of low dose radiation, which has a decent success rate in other benign tumors, but not enough people have PVNS to know if it is really successful... oh did i mention that radiation can cause, yeah, cause, malignant tumors when used to zap benign ones... right... tempting.

option 4. claim insanity, chop off my own leg, and see where i end up...

i am in a pickle... (mmm, i want pickles...) well, this is not all the choices i have to make... the last, slightly less important, but highly difficult, timing... when do i do this? (if i chose option 1, i guess i am already doing it... go me!) I have a lot of things in planning stages for this summer,(including our 10 year wedding anniversary!) and frankly the last thing i want to do during the summer, is lay on my back in searing pain, waiting to be driving in for radiation therapy... If this was all up to just me, which it is not... i would have not left Mass Gen yesterday. I would have had the surgery, and then dealt with the rest as it comes. Mike, not the bad guy, wants (or in his head needs) to wait until we don't have to buy oil again for the year... me being out of work, him being unable to pick up overtime... it all adds up to hard times... but it's kinda like waiting to get married/have kids/buy a house, until all your bills are paid... THAT NEVER HAPPENS!!!!! Something always comes up... always... the longer we wait, the less likely i am to have a knee at all... the dr. also mentioned that if i end up waiting too long this tumor is going to cause such bad arthritis that i would need to have my leg amputated... now, i am not jumping the gun, and saying that i think that this is going to happen in the next few months, or even years... but i guess this little bit of info really makes me realize how scary this all is... it is not going away... i am not ever going to be able to have the life i imagined having... camping, hiking, skiing, biking, all those fun out door activities, i love, are lost to me... for now... unless this whole thing turns around, and the radiation ends up being what i chose, without complications... now, do you see my problem... everything hinges on "IF"... nothing is really in my hands. and that is what is making this so difficult. well, that and then there is last night... i was searching for other PVNS, let's call them victims, in Maine... last i knew, there was me, and two older men. One of the men died in a car accident... (totally unrelated)... the other had ONE surgery... ONE, and was completely cured (which makes him no longer a "victim")... i am so glad for him, and so jealous my skin burns... so last night, i found a thirty something woman living in southern Maine... her blog is something like, ihavepvsn... i was hopeful to have found a soul mate... i had to read back a bit in her blog to find the entry of her diagnoses, and then the entry of her surgery, and then i found the entry of her appointment where she discovered that the surgery was a complete success, and she was and would always be tumor free... i am sorry, truly i am... i am a selfish, mean spirited, jealous, hateful, sinner... why can't i be cured... why won't i ever be cured? why do i have to have this forever? why do i have to chose between "sucking it up", and risking getting CANCER... (mike has forbidden me to take any action that may lead to cancer... he just can't bare losing me... )... how do i tell him how lost i am... i didn't expect all this to hurt as bad as it does... really, i am tough, i have a great handle on pain tolerance, and i realize that "this could be much worse"... (thanks)... but man, this really sucks. in the mean time, i have ice on my knee, and a headache. i am going to take a nap... and most likely cry a bit...

The season sets in...

2009-10-15T23:28:00.002-04:00

It is supposed to snow tomorrow... this is exciting for me, and a little scary... i am in no means ready for the wintry weather. We turned the heat on today... it was 52 in here this morning when i woke up. i don't feel like i have enough warm clothes, and i don't feel like the kids have enough warm clothes. this is how i always feel in the beginning of a new season. and yet, i am always provided for. i guess that i need to let go, and just allow God to work in my life, and appreciate all the He does for me. phew... that felt good... now, i just have to put into action my desires.

I am thankful that i have had a bunch of time to reflect. i am also thankful that i have the chance to have my friends living here again. It really opens my eyes to how i am living. It really makes me reflect on my own behavior, and i want to be able to be in control of making changes in my attitude. this all seems like babble... and frankly it is. but it is my babble... and i am ok with that. i hope that i am able to learn to love my self, and all that i have to offer the world.

i am hopeful that i will be able to be filled with an abundance of patience, and continue on through this journey with my head held high...

getting started

2009-10-07T20:52:00.002-04:00

James is now a blogger... or he will be when he finishes his story... we had the idea to let him post his stories on the world wide web... our goal is that people will be able to read his stories, critique then and enjoy them immensely! He is an amazing writer, and i am sooo proud of him. He is excited to be able to share them!!!

Other than that, we have been quite busy. It is fall, and now we are working towards the reality of snow, and freezing temperatures. We are not scared... just trying to be prepared. School is going so well. It is a lot of math, and writing... and enjoying our time together. The little ones are soooo busy. they are into everything. they are always on the move. it is a little hard to keep them busy! The farm is also in full fall swing. But you can read all about that at Pearson's Town.

We are loving baking, and hanging out in general! We hope all is well with everyone, and i am hopefully going to be able to keep the blog rolling... enjoy!

WCSH6.com | Portland, ME | St. Joseph's College Campus Garden

2009-09-01T09:34:00.001-04:00

WCSH6.com | Portland, ME | St. Joseph's College Campus Garden

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school begins...

2009-09-01T09:24:00.002-04:00

i know it has been forever since my last blog... i apologize to those of you who look forward to our insanity updates... i spent the last several weeks of summer, enjoying the weather, and the sites Maine has to offer. I discovered, that after several years of trying to teach James to swim, he just needed to teach himself... He discovered a lot for the back stroke... i also discovered that Owen has to play outside several hours every day, if he doesn't he becomes a serious bear... (this would explain several rainy afternoons that ended in tears!) I discovered that Addie is going to make a wonderful mommy some day. she pays such amazing attention to her babies, making sure each one wears seasonally appropriate clothing, and of course accessories!!! i am excited to start an official new school year. we will be starting in a few minutes... i like living on a schedule... i like being somewhat predictable, even with life's unpredictable times! james is excited to start school, and i already have Owen and Adelyn working on a project! i sure hope the rest of the year goes so smoothly.. ahhh, who am i kidding... release the insanity, i can handle it!!!

just some thoughts...

2009-07-18T08:39:00.002-04:00

i am feeling the pressure to be right on some sort of path to some sort of goal... i don't even know why, but i feel like i need to be heading somewhere. there seems to be some internal desire to become so much more than i already am. But i don't know what that looks like. I want to be out in the world loving on those who need it, and helping those who need it, and giving to those without... but, again, i don't know what that is supposed to look like. i feel like i have love and help, and things to give, but i don't know where to go with that. i feel like i want our family to be a beacon in the darkness. i feel like that is what God wants from us. i also feel like there is a vast distance between us and God. i just don't know where to start to unravel the distance. i am wandering around performing circus acts waiting for the ring master to announce the end of the show, so i can just go home... i miss the feeling of the magic of it all. i feel like i am not giving all to the kids trusted in my care. am i really showing them who God is? am i being Jesus for them? am i able to teach them all that i want to know? "I will answer them before they even tell Me their needs"... thank you Lord, i am listening.

Apple Burgers

2009-07-16T19:58:00.003-04:00

OK... here it is... the best "veggie" burger out there!!! i can't recall where i found this, but who ever is originally responsible, thanks, and way to go!!!

this is the kind of recipe that can be tweaked to fit one persons pallet... i like it just as is!!!

2 apples (tart)grated (peeled)
2 cups cooked rice (white or brown)
1 pepper, finely chopped (variety to taste)
1 onion chopped (variety to taste) (i only used 1/2)
bread crumbs (for those not used to making veggie burgers... this is used to suck up any unwanted juices out of the mix... there is no real measurement on this... i used french bread, and broke it into little pieces, smaller than the average bite size, and then i broiled them just to a crunch...
and about 1/2 cup oats

all you do is mix this all together, except the oats...
if it is too wet add more bread, if it is too dry add another apple... etc.

once you can form the mixture into patties it is ready. make patties and "dip" them into the oats... saute them in a skillet in a tbs of olive oil...

when i made it i used 3 apples, and 3 cups rice, and it made about 15 patties!!!

ENJOY HOT!!!!

i also added swiss cheese and "Sweet Baby Rays" BBQ sauce... OOOHHH! (i want one now!!!)

i'd love to hear from people who try this!!!

James is HOME!!!

2009-07-13T16:59:00.002-04:00

so, after a week away, james has returned... he won an award for being the best camper!!! (a boogie board!) he had a sensational time!! his first hug today was worth him being gone for a week... he held me tight and sighed, "oh, momma, i missed you!" he had a blast, and can't wait to go back next year!!! We as a family have some readjusting to do... it was sooo easy with just two kids... one for mike and one for me... now we almost have to relearn how to take care of three kids. it was so nice being able to spend special time with both kids at the same time... i am really going to have to dig deep and try to make sure that owen and adelyn don't feel pushed aside now...

on a brighter note!! adelyn is diaper free!!! she has not worn a diaper, or pullup for four days... and she has only had one day time accident and one night time accident!! i am sooo proud, and very happy!! yeah addie!! well done!!!

My kids

2009-07-11T18:01:00.002-04:00

Adelyn and Owen are playing... it is going well. Owen comes running out of Adelyn's room wearing a 1980's prom like dress, purple with huge black polka-dots, and of course puffy sleeves, and enough tulle to reach the moon, and announces "I am going to marry Sissy in this dress..." then he grabs his fire fighter walkie talkie, and says "hurry someone is getting married, we need help!!!" this is WAY too funny for me... why is it that the times you wish people could be around to see your kids, you are alone... but when you wish no one was around to see your kids, you are in the mall, grocery store, bank, or any other random public places? too funny!!! and of course, Mike has the camera... so i don't even have evidence... sigh.

blurry summer

2009-07-07T22:43:00.002-04:00

this summer has not only been a crazy weather season... but i think that for the first time i am really feeling the pull of having three kids, and a busy home life... in the next 24 days... we have a bridal shower, and wedding, two birthdays (uncluding Adelyn's!), 4 dr. appointments, one homeschool review, and 7 babysitting jobs!!! phew... i don't know how i am going to get that all done... this is all added on to the regular work week of 15 hours for me, and about 50 for mike... (more like 60)... for the rest of July there is four days that are currently empty... i hope that i can keep them that way... i really enjoyed going to NY this weekend, and i think that i am in shell shock being home again. it was so peaceful, and i actually got to nap each day... something that was a REAL treat for me.. i was allowed time to think, and be still. this is something that, now that i am home, i am really going to miss. Mike and i really need to focus our family. and get ourselves togther... we are feeling a real lack of purpose, and direction... i think that is partly because we are sooo busy there is no room for direction... it is hard having all the kids birthdays so close together, it always means sooo many dr. visits, and then if there is anything found... we have more clinical follow ups!!! sometimes i wish that i didn't care so much about their well being... it would mean less time in the almost sterile waiting rooms!!! (ok, so, this is only partly true, i am blessed to live in a region that has available, even if expensive, health care!!)

so, when you see a streak of color rush by, that was me and the kids saying hello... and we enjoyed your company, and hope that you continue having a good summer (even if it is wet!) we look forward to the fall when we can spend time together again... hopefully then we will be more than a blur!

waiting for summer

2009-06-21T22:09:00.005-04:00

and so it begins...

somewhere above the clouds

there is a sun,

waiting to shine down upon us.

waiting to pour our reflections

into the pools of cool,

refreshing waters.

waiting to awaken

the feeling of freshness in our souls.

Waiting.

waiting to encourage us to feel alive,

new,

relaxed,

and

energized,

all at once.

there is a sun waiting to bring life.

Waiting.

soon the sun is going to break free

of the cloud's chains.

it will part the gray

it will fill the land

with a fresh golden glow,

we will look to it

for

excitement,

happiness,

freshness,

strength,

desire,

life,

love.

but for now, we must remain,

Waiting.

rain...

2009-06-19T18:30:00.002-04:00

i am no longer a fan of the rain falling from the sky, over our house... why??? well, there is more if it coming into our house, than not... that's right, our basement is flooded...and not just wet, but about an inch of moving water...why is it moving??? good question... the water is moving rapidly in from one hole on one side of the house, to the sump pump hole on the other... it is rapidly moving from the front of our house, through all the things i thought would be best stored in the basement, right to the hole... and because there is so much water heading for the hole... and it is hitting to much of the things i have down there the water is actually being diverted straight into the bathroom... under the linoleum... right... ummm, does anyone know Ty Pennington personally? could someone give him a call... because i don't know how long i am going to be able to live in a house that is filling up with water, and by the looks of the forecast, we are not going to be drying out anytime soon... ugh... today, and most likely all week, i hate rain...

laundry update...

2009-06-10T17:02:00.002-04:00

for those of you who care... (does anyone really care...?)

i still have not used the electric washer this week (since saturday)... I almost have a full load though... the farm clothes have begun to sneak their way into the laundry basket... but i am not worried... i think that i am going to make it to friday before i HAVE to do a load... i have done 7 loads in the manual machine... i am still loving it... as a matter of fact, i think that i have a great system to using it... three loads in one sitting is my limit though... it starts to make my back ache, and my wrists can't handle too much wringing... but really three loads is the max that i have HAD to do in one day!!! (thanks to Adelyn's desire to NOT be potty trained this week!!)

so, be encouraged, yes, a family of 5 can do 1 load of laundry a week!!! saving energy is so cool!

anniversay haiku...

2009-06-10T10:51:00.003-04:00

you are my best friend,

nine years, to celebrate, US.

and a hundred more.

more laundry...

2009-06-09T12:11:00.002-04:00

this week, starting on Sunday, i vowed to only wash one load of laundry in the electric machine... well, today is tuesday, and i have not even one full load to wash... i have washed 5 loads in the WONDER WASHer... i love it!!! and i would have done no electric drying, except today is raining... and i don't have an inside line... but really i am pleased.

the kids are off playing in A's room, i hope they are being good, though it is aweful quiet...

M is off at the farm, yes, in the rain... augh. i guess they are rearranging the barn, so hopefully they are under cover.

the animals here are happy, and wet... but they are mostly happy...

tomorrow is a special day, but you are going to have to wait to find out why!!!

happy blogging

kayaking... mmmm

2009-06-05T12:29:00.002-04:00

I took James for a short kayaking trip yesterday afternoon. We launched down the street on the Saco... it was clam and peaceful. We had fun figuring out what the fallen trees looked like. We chased water bugs, and minows. We also got to watch a man "playing" in the rapids. he was really having a great time, and his control over his boat was amazing... it gave james a goal!!! all in all, i had a great time hanging out with my oldest... this is something that we don't get to do often. I am thankful for those little times that mean so much.

woods...

2009-06-03T20:47:00.002-04:00

so today i went for a walk in the woods with the kids, and a friend... it was wonderful. as a matter if fact, i wish it lasted longer... once i got home, and took a nap, i was ready to go again... maybe tomorrow... we were planning on going to smiling hill farm tomorrow, but alas, i have to work... maybe friday... i think that all told this summer is starting out nice... i think that once i get the summer school plans put together all will roll smoothly... i hope... i am still looking for that perfect math program... and i am also running quickly out of literacy work... but it seems that when i run out more always seems to find me...i love hand me downs... ok, i am off to bed... hopefully.

modern what???

2009-06-01T17:15:00.007-04:00

i am a member of our local freecycle groups... and i love finding fun stuff from these groups... often times by the time i get the email posting, i am too late to grab the goodies... but this week i got a good one! i was lucky enough to respond quickly enough to grab up a hand crank clothes washing machine!!! oh yeah! i am for real!!! this little bugger can wash up to 8 dress shirts or, 10 t shirts or, 30 pairs of socks or, 3 pairs of jeans...or as i have found two days worth of childre's farm clothes!!! for five gallons of warm water, 1 tablespoon of laundry soap, and a little spin action, i can get a whole two days of clothes shiny clean, and ready for the line!!! this makes me sooo happy. i am going to try to cut our electric laundry machine use down to one maybe two loads a week!!! things like bulky blankets can't fit in the hand crank model... (yet!!!) i hope the world feels inspired to hand wash, or hand crank some laundry... really it feels so good to hang dry the clothes you personally washed, and then when you fold them, and put them away, you know that you saved a bunch of energy!!! and really, cranking the machine is no big deal!!! i actually had fun! feel free to swing by sometime, and bring somedirty laundry!!! you, too, will be amazed at how rewarding hand crank washing can be!!!

Owie and Addie wanted a turn.. so i had to share...

It is a little heavyat first, but once he got it going, it was easy!

this represents one day of kids farm clothes!!!

On the line... so pretty!!!

peek-a-boo here i am... shhh, it's a secret!!!

2009-05-31T20:24:00.013-04:00

So, it's been a while... a long while. And i am sorry... i guess i am having a hard time organizing my life enough to find time to down load pics and then title them... (i would rather post with pics than with out... what i have to say isn't as important or fun as what i can show!)

this is what we have been up to...

first there was my birthday weekend... if you were not involved... where the heck were you?!?!?!

so this is Al and me ummm, enjoying ourselves!! and maybe a little adult beverage... maybe...

Then came mother's day...

Meet, Buster (far left), Dyna (as in dynamite - thanks Owen, middle), and Danni (as in dancer, right)... these are our sheep... not for consumption... they have names!!!

i think that is was mike's plan to consume these... but i thought quickly to name them... so, i win again... your welcome little guys, enjoy life!!!

so after my birthday and mother's day, we celebrated Owen and James' birthdays... Owen turned 4, and James 8... it is a big year for us!! So we had a few, about 30, people over to enjoy a pirate party!!

this is our friend, Noah, he is not a cyclops...

or a triclops...

thought you'd like to know...

This brings us up to last weekend... we went CAMPING!!!! i love camping... here are some pics for you..

it was cold... but they wanted to be in the water soooo badly...

so on day 2 adelyn and i and al, hit the water, and kayaked for a few hours... we went through four ponds and across one highway... it was an adventure... we ended the trek by running out of ponds, and carrying our boats back to camp... true memories!!

We were lucky to have Ah Mah and Ah Gong join us, which really was a treat... Adelyn loved snuggling with Ah Mah, who was always terribly cold... poor Malaysian!!!!

While we were camping we were introduced to a game called "Cornhole" no really, that's the name... anyway... it is a mixture of good old bean bag toss, and horse shoes. we held a bracket competition, which i didn't win... or even make it past single eliminations... but i had fun playing, though not as much fun as Al... hmmm...

We were all quite tired, and really needed some rest!

I have a little more to blog about... but i think that this one is long enough... so maybe i will blog again in July... we'll see...

Post Sugar High thoughts...

2009-04-14T11:10:00.004-04:00

Another Easter has come and gone... and what do we have to show for it? candy wrappers... and sugar highs... as parents we strive to open our kids eyes, and teach them not the ways of the world, but different and exciting new ideas and theories. this Easter michial came to me and asked me if he should go buy the normal Easter items... to which i said, don't bother. we don't need the candy, we also don't want to spread THAT Easter message. so we did nothing. which i am actually not happy with. i am not the all or nothing kinda of person. i am more into changing the norm to fit our desires... nothing is really not the answer. so i think that as a mom of three, i am really going to inspire to work on starting traditions that we are proud of. i want to start traditions that our kids can carry on into their adult relationships. SO, with that being said... any ideas??? i really was hoping that family traditions would form naturally, and some have... but i think more often than not we fall back on the ol' nothing... we didn't even dye eggs this year... mainly because i forgot to bring them to my mother's as planned, and then when it came time to initiate plan B, we were all our of the Easter decorating mood... sigh...

the kids DID get Easter baskets from Nana, and Grammy Gail... which made them very happy. adelyn loves to color in her hello kitty coloring book... and owen is loving the glow in the dark worms!!! james had a blast putting together his new legos... so, all together i guess it was a good Easter, if you hold the standards of the world... (shutter... )

THIS POST IS RATED R!!! as in riot...

2009-04-10T10:50:00.002-04:00

We have been talking a lot about "the garden" in our home. As you all know, or should know, we have two young children... and young children have sometimes unmastered English skills... this is true for both our little ones... as we were talking about the garden in the car yesterday, it took mike and i about 5 minutes to figure out that our daughter was asking if daddy was going to help out at the "kiddie garden." What we heard her say, and through our laughter we had to decifer that she didn't mean, "is daddy going to help out at the "titty garden." As we laughed harder, she said it more... this became a vicious cycle. Later on Owen was talking, and remembering our reaction to Sissy's comment... also made the same comment... so now we have to come up with a different name for our garden for the youth... i just don't think that i want my kids going around inviting people to help out at our "titty garden!!!!"

have a laugh... it IS funny...

who said "don't play with your food??"

2009-04-06T21:21:00.002-04:00

so, tonight we were cooking (or burning) dinner... see the phunny pharm for more details, and while we were busy creating something from nothing, adelyn decided to create toys from produce... this was incredibly creative, and i am proud of her. she took about 20 potatoes out of the bag, and lined them up, for about 30 minutes. they formed a barn, some chickens, my car, daddy's truck, and many other things. she had so much fun. it was great. when it was time to clean up, she decided that it was ok to play with her soup... which was also fun. she is going to be difficult to take to a public eatery... many, or even most, people would consider her table manners unacceptable... (my grandmother being one!) but, really we are teaching independence, and creativity, and frankly, i think she is soo dern adorable that i don't care if we don't keep up with the Jones'!!! she had fun, and it was so fun to watch her play with a toy that is not electronic, and not expensive!!! it reminds me of the child playing more with the wrapping than the $100 gift!!! so, play on adelyn... play on!

warning... i am grumpy...

2009-04-05T17:00:00.003-04:00

it has been a tough transaction into farm life for me... i guess i wasn't ready to send mike off to work, while i am awake, and able to be functional, together. i have noticed that i am really inflexible, and i don't manage change very well. i really wanted to jump into this new job, and new way of life with open arms, and embrace the new opportunities. but, in the middle of the change, i have learned that i am not the person i thought i was. i guess as a child i didn't have to deal with change too often. we lived in the same house for 12 years... and when we did move, it was basically my choice... then i went to cali, and met mike, which was the kind of change i wanted... so until now, i haven't had to deal, and now i know, i can't deal... i am really going to have to learn how to adjust better than this. i have not been the wife i need to be, or the momma i need to be. for those greatest effected, i am sorry. i humble myself, and i am going to try to work harder at being more supportive. i love you all, and thanks for letting me share my down falls. i am hopeful that through this outlet i am going to become a better person.

tough day

2009-03-31T16:57:00.003-04:00

for those who don't know, we own a dog... and she is a very good dog. her name is Lucky. she acquired it from my father-in-law. He was on his death bed, and somehow this dog came into their yard, and was allowed to stay... being very Lucky... when he died, dad wanted James to have her. i was very close to my father-in-law... and this dog means a lot to me. well, we also have a neighbor. an easily upset neighbor... this neighbor has a dog... a very nice dog, whom Lucky loves, and wants nothing more than to play with. neighbor is very nervous around dogs, and think that all dogs fight... (not the case...)so, if neighbor and dog are outside, we try really hard to not let lucky out... all of us except the small children taking residence in my house... today, was a tough day... i went downstairs to grab a pair of clean pants out of the dryer, and when i came up, the front door was open, and the two youngest of my clan were outside... all i could hear was our neighbor yelling "NO LUCKY, GO HOME..." oh, great... i called to her, never leaving my yard, and she came right to me... (not something a dog who is a threat would do...) i don't like living in a situation that i am fearful of how people are going to react to me and my family members... even the k-9 influences... lucky would ( i am certain) never hurt this other dog, she wants to play... but this situation makes me feel like if she happens to get out... then i am going to have to pay an enormous price... i got very angry at my children, and i definately lost my cool... i have never experienced that before, and i am chosing to never go through that again. i love my kids, and i love my dog, and i love my neighbor, so what am i supposed to do?? this all hurts so much. i am completely emotionally spent, and could soon find myself in bed for the night... sorry kids, it looks like dry cheerios for dinner. i just don't think that i can pull it together after this afternoon. i have never lived in a situation (as an adult) where i am uncomfortable in my neighborhood... until now. i don't really blame my children... after all the ones involved are 2 and 3... (come on, they are babies!) really, this neighbor needs to overcome his fears of our dog, and learn that lucky wants nothing more than a friend. we have offered to have the dogs get together to meet each other, and get to know each other better, but he is too nervous... i am sooo at a lost for what to do next... does this become a situation where i have to get rid of our dog, because she is sooo longing to play with his dog? yes, she leaves our yard when the other dog is out... yes, she barks when she sees the other dog outside... (eager barking!!) i am growning weary... sorry for this bleck blog... but that is life... and it IS dirty...

i am terribly sorry

2009-03-31T07:49:00.003-04:00

for those who are trying to follow this sad excuse for a blog, i am sorry. i have not been on this blog for two weeks... and A LOT has happened. i can say that i am going to make an effort to catch you all up... but unfortunately not right now... i have to run off to work... hmm, this is how it all began...be patient with me, i am not a very good juggler... love to you all. and please don't give up on me...

we have a big boy now

2009-03-14T19:56:00.003-04:00

I cut owen's hair today, and he sure looks big. this is the first time in a long time that he really strikes me as a big boy. i have to admit that i miss my 7lb 13oz mush pot... but i guess i have to be happy with my 38 lb big boy... this is all going to take a little getting used to . adelyn has had a four straight day potty success. she is doing well. i am really looking forward to that hurdle. although it opens the door to big girl... augh. it is a tricky balance between keeping them little, and encouraging them to grow up.

we are looking forward to our special mommy time this week as daddy travels for the farm job. it is a little scary, but also, i am looking forward to not working, and not worrying about having to spend time with the kids and having to go to work... i am going to enjoy the time for just us.

...and the world continues to rotate

2009-03-12T15:56:00.003-04:00

we are a busy people. all of us. but amidst this busy get-there-fast, don't-be-late, always-saying-"yes", life style i managed to squeeze a few minutes in to actually sit and enjoy my children at play. Adelyn and Owen were playing "house". in this game Owen had to rush off to work, leaving Adelyn at "home" to "deal" with the babies. by the way there were three babies! This childhood depliction of everyday adult life was a little rude, and quite frankly eye-opening. so, in this new year, (can i still call it that?) i am planning on slowing down. i am going to try to make sure that my kids FEEL the love that i have for them, and i want them to FEEL like they are number one. afterall, when they were infants in my arms, they were my world... now they are actual members of society. i want to make sure that i am able to take time (from what? i don't know) and give it all to them. i wonder if there is someone (maybe yourself), or something, that needs a little more of you. i encourage you to find the time, it may only take a moment, to reconnect with the lost people of your world. who knows, you may be on someone else's "lost person" list, and you may find yourself invested in!!! what a joy!

p.s. mike, where is the cable for the camera? i NEED to post more pics! (yes, this is how mike and i find our time to communicate!!! a little scary huh?!)

Dumpster Ghetto!

2009-03-09T23:24:00.002-04:00

Yes, I am a t.v. junkie... i do miss a good show now and then... and tonight i watched a good show... these wackos made an entire, functional (minus true electrical and plumbing) recycled house... in San Francisco, up to building codes... completely out of junk, free junk... the only thing money was spent on was nails and screws... THIS should be the American dream people... forget the picket white fence... how about a fence made out of fire hose, or maybe dented street signs... come on people... In America we build NEW homes each year, and tear down old ones... and there is perfectly good resources out there to not buy new!!! i love this, and i am looking forward to figuring out a way to build a tree house for the kids out of FREE recycled items... jump on board... let's see what we can do this summer... (don't have kids, come help us out!!!) (or find a neighborhood kid to help out!!!) this would be such a cool, and powerful movement!!! recycled structures!!! (from the dump!!!) way to go!

this, mike, is dumpster-ghetto!!!! oh yeah!

spring cleaning!!!

2009-03-07T10:57:00.004-05:00

so i have caught the bug.... the cleaning bug... James is away for the weekend, and i am taking every second i can, to clean out his toys, and clothes, and other miscellaneous childhood items. i am feeling overwhelmed, but refreshed. i am enjoying the freeing feeling of knowing that we don't NEED these items to be happy, or to even enjoy ourselves, and i am convinced that my kids are not even going to miss these items... this is a time of year i always look forward to. we live such cluttered lives, and it is wonderful to be able to release some of that stress back to the chaos gods... (i believe that i personally have about 25 chaos gods... living and breathing, and most likely breeding all around me)! today i am holding those chaos gods at bay... i am freecycling an entire garbage bag full of "useful in someone else's home" items!!! so be encouraged, you too can have the power to slay a few useless chaos warriors!!! be at peace friend, and no, you don't actually need to keep that ugly sweater that your aunt Jo sent you... she'll forget it, and you can too!!!

another day of a million priorities!!!

2009-03-06T15:24:00.005-05:00

So i woke up this morning over an hour late... i haven't had to use an alarm clock in months... so after a fast shower, and a bunch of hugs and kisses i ran out the door on my way to my

out-of-the-house job... once at work, i found myself amidst a huge amount of "projects" that i was expected to have done by the time our regional manager came for a "visit" (not that she was actually invited!). Well, i juggled a bunch of things around, and got everything done. i rushed home to wake up the little ones, and to rush them around getting ready for a mall play date, and a dinner date, with two different people!!! i was trying to plan a play date (for a different date) for james (and myself!) when i realized that i am a very busy person... we chose to not use a daycare for the kids, but we are not financially stable enough to only live on one income... alas, enter crazy busy lifestyle... i hope that this is something that we can overcome with the garden job. Mike will hopefully be home more, or at least, he will be home in the evenings. i guess that i am going to need some encouragement on the use of the word, "no." there are things that i want to be part of, but there are so many other things going on... is there rest for the restless?

So, on the happier side of the dirt, i have completed my first cable knitted washcloth... i love to cable!! it actually came out well, there are no mistakes!!! as soon as i locate the batteries for my camera, i will take a picture... (this is another problem... clutter and chaos...)

On this note, i am really enjoying blogging, and i hope to be able to connect with many fantastic people. For those of you in Maine, enjoy the warm day tomorrow!!! (my plans include, laundry, and finding the living room floor!!!)

In the Begining... there was dirt, and dirt was good.

2009-03-05T14:32:00.000-05:00

Everything has a beginning... some are good, some are not... this is what you get to decide. I am going to attempt to blog the happenings in our life, in hopes to keep people connected, and to possibly give encouragement to those who can relate to our life!!(do those people actually exist?)

Our beginning happened almost nine years ago... Met, and married, my best friend. We now have three kids, whom we homeschool... (or at least that is what we try to do!!)

Our family goal is to live in a manner that is not harmful to our environment. We are trying to teach our children, through basic trial and error, the joys of the land. This is not always easy, but generally quite messy!

We are farmers, and we love to be dirty. (dirty hippies dare I say!?) I hope you enjoy visiting my blog, and I also hope to learn from you, and your learn from me. Enjoy!